Look, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but the way some people have sex is different from the way you have sex. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but . . . well, actually I’m going to go into a lot more detail, and it might get a little awkward and uncomfortable, but you’ll make it through. Or maybe you won’t—some of these people have orgasms in really, really strange ways.
10 Brushing Your Teeth
Epilepsy probably isn’t the most fun disorder to suffer from, but the symptoms are probably a little bit more manageable when they come with mind-blowing orgasms. A few years back, one woman reported that she would occasionally experience orgasms while brushing her teeth that were so powerful they left her in a “state of temporary impaired consciousness.”
I’m not going to make any jokes though, because this actually sucked for the poor woman. Years earlier she had undergone a botched surgery that had left her incapable of achieving orgasm at all—at least until the toothbrushing thing manifested. After that, doctors probed her enough to learn that she wasn’t capable of achieving orgasm any way that wasn’t toothbrushing. She eventually switched to mouthwash.
I really hope there’s a barber reading this. Hello, barber! Sorry for making it so hard to concentrate while you’re at work tomorrow.
It’s called “Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response,” and yes, it’s a real thing. ASMR is a phenomenon in which you experience an orgasm-like experience that happens entirely in your head, and it can be triggered by all kinds of weird things: Some people get them from haircuts, others from watching YouTube videos of people acting out various fantasies like pretending to check for lice or applying makeup.
And then people watch them and have orgasms in their brain. This is a thing that happens. Maybe even right now, in the cubicle behind you. No, don’t look. This isn’t the kind of thing you want to know for sure.
While under the influence of a certain medication, some patients suffer from a strange side effect where they achieve a mind-blowing (probably) orgasm every time they yawn. Of course, yawns are also contagious. And sometimes, people suffering similar symptoms start support groups for each other. There’s a huge potential for a ridiculous viral prank video, is what I’m saying.
7 Foot Stimulation
No, this has nothing to do with Quentin Tarantino–style foot fetishes: At least one woman in the Netherlands can get off just by walking around barefoot. The change happened after she suffered nerve damage that left her spine unable to differentiate between her vagina and her foot, which is kind of like forgetting the difference between the shelf where you keep your running shoes and where you keep your vagina but hey—cut it some slack. It’s just a spine.
Oddy enough, this isn’t that odd: Doctors say that this kind of problem isn’t that uncommon, and the reason we don’t hear about it more is because the sufferers are too embarrassed.
If you’ve ever wondered why there are such a disproportionate number of women at the gym, then maybe you can stop now: Scientists recently discovered that roughly 40 percent of women have experienced orgasms induced purely by exercise—no direct stimulation or even fantasies involved. (I don’t know anything about gyms, because I’m a comedy writer and don’t take care of my body.)
The weirdest part is that no one involved in these studies could figure out why it was happening. The female body isn’t supposed to work like that, but apparently it does. Which just proves that we don’t understand the female body all that well. Thanks a lot, science.
5 Thinking Really Hard About It
Not only is it possible to get yourself off just by concentrating, there’s an entire culture built around it. Barbara Carellas not only “thinks herself off,” but she teaches others to and encourages it as a safer alternative to sex.
Yes, it’s even a group activity: Remember that scene in Coneheads where Chris Farley and the Coneheads’ daughter have Conehead sex with their Conehead sex machine? It’s like that, only without the machine or Chris Farley—just a lot of concentration.
4 A Brain Chip
Scientists have just come out and admitted what we’ve all suspected for years: They’re working on a brain chip that will give you a climax. Not just by stimulating the proper nerve endings, but by recording experiences and replaying them in your head or by downloading the experiences of others.
This may be the absolute creepiest thing I have ever heard in my life, but hey, if scientists had moral compasses, we’d never make any progress.
Giving birth is either the least sexual or the most sexual activity on Earth, depending on how good you are at connecting cause and effect. Either way, no getting around the reality here: As many as 0.3 percent of births at some point involve the woman having an orgasm while she expels the person whose life is, at that moment, beginning.
That means that 0.3 percent of you reading this gave your mother an orgasm once. Are you one of them? Go ask her! And then let us know in the comments. Please. I promise to write an article about you.
Well, that’s not surprising. Yoga is only popular for one reason—yoga pants, which make everyone look great (or are only worn by great-looking people; I honestly can’t tell). But it turns out that when people indulge in the “downward-facing dog” or “leftward seagull” or whatever, they may also secretly be indulging in the famed “I’m right now climaxing.” Some yogis are actually encouraging it as a stress-relieving practice.
1 Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder
PGAD is one of those diseases that sounds like an ironic punishment plucked right from Dante’s Inferno. “So you like sex, eh?” says the Devil. “Then how do you feel about climaxing constantly, every day, forever?” The worst part is it must be nearly impossible to get sympathy from people, and you probably have to keep hearing the “Well, isn’t it kinda awesome sometimes?” question more than you’d ever want to.
Naturally, it sucks, and everyone who suffers from it is bummed out forever. Luckily, there have been recent breakthroughs and maybe the sufferers of this disease will one day be able to reliable enjoy orgasms the way we’re all meant to: Shamefully. With strangers. In truck-stop bathrooms.